This blog is written by Carmen Reimer who is part of our Single Moms Fellowship.
And The Answer Is Wait…
I pray. Every day. Sometimes many times in a day. It may be a tiny whisper on my breath as I work. It may be on my knees beside my bed. It may be when I drop my children off at school and watch them walk in. It may be in a helpless and desperate cry for strength or wisdom. It may be a wonderful relieved thank you. But every day, I pray. The biggest answer I get, and the hardest one to accept is this one…”Wait!” I can be an impatient woman. I mean, which woman doesn’t get impatient eventually. But I like to see results and see them quickly, and that “wait” answer gets me every time. But if I’m honest and if I look back on the past and the times that I have been willing to wait, I can easily say those times of waiting have been a blessing. The last while I’ve been struggling with this space between now and what’s to come. I’ve felt like I’m hanging in the middle. The past is gone. The future awaits. But whats the here and now? I go from one day to the next. The same tasks. Same jobs. Same home. Same schedules….And I wait! I have literally uttered prayers of when and why God, but still only get the same answer, wait! But wait for what? To win the lottery? To see my girls graduate high school? Til summer is over? Til I’ve reached a ripe old age and my eye sight is failing? And if I’m going to wait, what exactly is it that I’m waiting for? Money? Love? Fame? Wisdom? All this and no answers. Til today. Today something hit me like I ran head first into a brick wall.
I was driving back home from watching a movie. My girls are away this weekend so the car was quiet. I kept from turning on the radio and decided to rather relish the peace and quiet. I was in deep thought, focusing on the road but not really paying attention. My mind drifted off and once again I found myself in the space between the past and the future. If only I could just speed up time. If only I could see into the future. If only I knew the outcome. Where I’m going. What life holds. But suddenly a thought came to me. Why am I so anxious to skip ahead? Why am I wishing these moments of today away? What if life did skip ahead and I miss something absolutely amazing. Maybe right now, in this moment, God is preparing me for something incredible, something beyond my wildest expectations. And maybe, just maybe, I am ‘in training’ for this.
Following these thoughts, I realized something else. I’ve been healing. My stretch of road has taken me down paths I never knew I would be walking. It’s twisted into valleys, wound around huge obstructions. I’ve climbed, clawing for my life, back up to the mountain top, only to slide down a slippery slope on the other side. I have stood on the edge of a cliff and cried to God, telling him I cannot do the unimaginable. I cannot take the leap to the other side. But always, always, I have managed to make that leap and keep going. Now when I look back, I see an incredible journey. A fascinating path. I have made it through all that and I’m still alive. I look back and say to myself, “I did it. I made it this far. I am a battle weary soldier but I am still alive!” So now, in this ‘time between’ I should be shouting thanks to the heavens, singing praises from my heart and filling every day with such gratitude that I have this ‘here and now’! Because this here, this here is time I have been given. Maybe there’s more healing. Maybe I’ve healed and now I’m preparing for the amazing. Maybe here and now is my time to just be me. Focus on what my heart is trying to tell me and where it’s leading me. I don’t need to jump ahead, fast forward time. Because this right here is already wonderful. Oh I believe with all my heart there is surprising and awesome things coming in the years ahead. Not for a minute do I think that there isn’t something just around the corner that just may possibly blow my mind, but first, first I must be content with exactly what I’ve been given in the here and now. I think God is working. He is molding and shaping me for exactly what his divine purpose for me is and that thought alone is exciting. So on my bad days now, I need to look at them as stepping stones. Faith builders. Confidence builders. The good days are there to keep me smiling, thankful, positive.
So I’m ok with the here and now! I’m alright with the ‘in between’! I’m not waiting for time to take a leap ahead. I’m not wishing I could see the future. Instead I am standing on the exciting edge of the future. My arms are open wide. My face to the sun, my back to the past. A smile on my face. Both feet planted firmly in my faith. My heart filled with such love for the friends and family I have around me. I am content with the blessings i have right here in this moment called NOW. I am determined to live this moment to it’s full extent..
There’s a song I sing to the girls sometimes and once in a while they have asked me to sing it for them before bed. The chorus of it goes like this….”We have this moment to hold in our hands and to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand. Yesterday’s gone and tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment today.”
So now, I sit in peace with the answer, wait. In fact, I think I like this answer. It means right now, in this moment all I have to do is just be. It doesn’t require me to go out and do spectacular things. It doesn’t require me to spend hundreds of dollars. It doesn’t require me to speak loud or for that matter, at all. All I am required to do is wait patiently, guard my mind, my heart and my soul and be ready for the next big leap, when I am required to take it. So tonight, I took a walk. I watched as the sun made its way into the western hills. I listened to the melodious sound of a bird. I smelled the fresh cut grass and watched as some little children giggled and chattered on the playground. I looked up at the heavens, the blue sky, and thanked God for another beautiful day to be alive. I thanked him for every friend that has touched my life in some way. For my beautiful children. For family. For health. For so many blessings that I take for granted every day. But most of all, I thanked him for giving me the answer, wait! For in this, I am finding myself. I am finding my worthiness. I am finding my purpose. How absolutely utterly awesome is that?!
Single Moms Fellowship is starting Sept 18. Dinner is at 6:00pm Childcare is provided.
We meet the 3rd Friday of every month September till June.
For more information please email SingleMoms@CrossRoadsChurch.ca or our fb page Fellowship Single Moms